Turns out you need to be able to see to go to grad school

I have lost to this disease again. I know it shouldn’t be a game about winning or losing but to me it is, and I want to win. Who doesn’t want to win?! So when my disease wins and takes over my life (ok so that’s a little dramatic) it gets frustrating. It appears that whenever I try to accomplish something or further myself in life this disease throws a curve ball and knocks me down. You are probably wondering what I lost at this time. You could probably take a really good guess if you have read just about any blog post. My one and only eye that I can see out of is developing a “rapidly” growing cataract. What this means is my vision is declining. Thankfully this cataract is removable, I just don’t know how soon. So what have I lost out on? Grad school. Seriously, all I wanted was one year of adequate functioning to get me through the program. I couldn’t even make it four months. I was good at school too, however in order for me to continue to be good at it I need to see what the hell I’m doing.

            I knew the cataract was there, however it has been stable for months. Over winter break I had a flair, which affected everything. I could barely walk and my eye was pretty inflamed for about four weeks. Between the high dose steroids and the flair in my eye it caused the cataract to start growing. I found this out last week the day I was scheduled to start classes, really bad timing. I have to say I kind of freaked out.  I’m not one to freak out. I take pride in handling this disease with grace and calmness. It was not one of my best moments, however I dealt with it like anyone would. I went to classes all last week and by the time Friday rolled around I could not read the board or make out my professors face, I was sitting in the front row. I now know what it feels like to have anxiety. That was kind of scary and really put things into perspective for me.

            I have decided to withdraw from classes for the time being. I’m going to take care of both of my eye surgeries while I’m off and see about having the foot surgery I was scheduled to have two years ago. I’m a doer. Not working or going to school and taking time to focus on my health is very challenging for me. I know this is the best decision for my family and I, but man does it feel like I failed.

            Reading back on this post, I sound like a downer, which I’m really not. I don’t typically complain about my disease. I pull up my big girl panties and deal with what I have been dealt, I just wanted to share with you the reality of what a chronic disease can be like and the challenges it can bring with it both emotionally and physically.